So, have you ever wanted to start a project or a new venture and right at the moment you feel like you’re ready to jump in to begin, you start to question whether you need to reorganize your systems or maybe you need to do more research or maybe you just feel paralyzed to begin and you don’t know why? Well, that’s where I’ve been for the longest time trying to begin this blog. I have wanted to document all my thoughts and experiences (well maybe not ALL) that might ring true for others. A way to connect and share. A way to learn from one another. A way to say, ‘Hey, this was my experience. Am I crazy or have you ever felt this way too?’
I’ve always been much more of a thinker than a communicator. In the last 10 years, or so, my life’s journey has brought me through and to places that have made me realize, it is far more beneficial for me to share and open up to others than to collect all these thoughts & experiences, like mementos to tuck away in a scrapbook, as useful as the dust it collects.
So here I am starting to communicate the best way I know how. A way that allows me to still be authentic and vulnerable while, um…hiding behind the safety of this keyboard. I mean, isn’t that the true reason we constantly ‘get ready to get ready’ when it comes to something that could open us to judgement or failure? I realized in all my failed attempts to start this blog that the failed attempts were actually my safety net. If I never start, the attempts keep me safe from actual, real failure through the eyes of others. What I mean, is it’s far easier to stomach a quiet, private failure that only you know about than to put yourself out there and fail in front of the entire world! Ugh! The horror!!
When and where along the way do, we lose our ability to explore, create and dream without worry of judgment? As a kid, my wheels were constantly turning with imagination and I never thought twice about sharing those crazy ideas or thoughts with others. Whether it was choreographing a play with the neighborhood kids, which never actually debuted. But Hey!, we got to spend our days that summer dressed in costumes while we fought about who was going to play the lead (I mean I wrote the script, so…); OR building THE best fort… in a drainage ditch…covered in poison ivy. This was found to be a very effective fort to keep others out, because I was the only one not allergic to poison ivy. That got boring quick; OR trying to scale down my neighbor’s 2nd story deck like GI Joe and figuring out about physics the hard way-OOPS!(actually Andy figured it out since I was 2nd in line).
These memories from my childhood are just a few of the many failed attempts at ‘The best idea ever!-ideas’ that I jumped right into without a care or thought of what others might think. I probably could’ve spent a little more time thinking through the possibility of injury but that’s never been my strong suit either. In fact, I joke all the time that my life’s motto or regular affirmation has always been ‘What’s the worst that could happen?’ At any given moment throughout almost every day we are making decisions that steer our life path. Should I do this or that? What does the outcome look like? What do I have to do to make it happen? And underneath all those inner questions is that little annoying voice reminding us that others are watching and we don’t want to look a fool!
I’m here to tell you that I struggle with this fear of failure ALL the time! It can be paralyzing. It can be demeaning. It can come from nowhere and fester even around ideas and thoughts where it shouldn’t. Fear is our most disabling emotion and most times we don’t even recognize it for what it is.
So, in an effort to finally start this blog, I had to give myself permission to find freedom in these writings and not try to find success or productivity. You see, one of my many fears is that my worth will dissipate if I am not ‘producing’. Whether that productivity is monetary OR keeping a tidy and well-organized household OR just trying to reach some goal. It’s only been in recent years that what I TRY to focus on as a measure of my own personal success is asking myself if it makes me happy. Finding true joy in this life is actually easy, we just tend to find ways to sabotage it by putting too much value on what everyone else says is right or wrong.
With all that said, today I start this new journey. What’s the worst that could happen? 1. I spend time typing up some thoughts and only I read them. 2. I spend time writing and those that read it think it’s totally lame. 3. I spend time writing and… that’s probably it… I spend time. I like to think it won’t be wasted time as long as it’s making me happy in the process.
As I share, maybe you can relate and you’ve had similar experiences or maybe you want to find a more meaningful path and you can pull out tidbits for your own journey. My goal here is to share my experiences and how they’ve re-branded my life for something better. Something far more meaningful. Whatever the reason that you’re reading this, I hope you enjoy!